Conscientious Mercenary

Killing people for profit doesn't have to be bad for the environment. Even though there are countless numbers of contract jobs in forgein countries for any American with a valid passport, I can't justify the fossil fuels needed for all that travel. Any third world country without a McDonald's is not worth spending any time in.

Besides, all my mercenary friends tell me they spend most of their time sitting through dust storms protecting some place that doesn't need protecting or babysitting some asshole who thinks he's invincible. Most of them never get to kill anyone since the twenty-four hour cable news networks refuse to report on anything other than them. Mercenary Dave always told me how Wolf Blitzer kept tapping him on the shoulder and asking, "Are you trying to kill someone today?"

I've found an untapped local mercenary job here in Milwaukee on craigslist. The advertisment was pretty simple, "Hitman needed to reduce the number of drunk drivers in Milwaukee." There's only one thing that's better than killing for money, it's killing for a cause. Really makes me feel warm and helpful inside.

I look back at my own life a lot. My dad had three DUI's in one year. Instead of penalizing him, the state of Wisconsin gave him medication which he sells on the black market. He's a great entrprnuer. My mom crashed the family station wagon into the picture window of the house while she was too drunk to realize it wasn't the garage. The city paid for the damages through the federal programs created due to Hurricane Katrina. Self-inflicted damage is no different than the damage caused by living in areas of high risk natural disasters.

I was excited to make a diffence, but I also wanted to be able to walk to work. So I got a sixth floor apartment along Water Street where all the bars are. The Lee Harvey Oswald style of murder didn't appeal to me, even though I could stay warm and cozy in my apartment. There's nothing like drinking rooibush tea in between looking through my scope at the uncoordinated drunkards walking along Water Street trying to find their cars. People die everyday, and why shouldn't some of the people doing the hard part be as comfortable as possible? Instead, I got out of my apartment and close to those I was hired to reduce.

I don't racially profile or stereotype a person by their attire. Everyone has an even opprotunity to meet the maker of their choosing a bit sooner than expected. I really like to utilize my style of creativity when I kill. Who wants to be remembered as the guy who got pushed in front of the bus? Every hit is worthy of a CSI: Milwaukee special starring Henry Winkler. Leave the driving up to the "big green limosine" and the killing up to me.

If you know someone who drinks a little too much everytime they go out to the bars on Water Street, you have a responsibility to stop them before they hurt someone that some one else loves. Everyone is someone else's loved one. I am legally bound to offer you the oxygen a drunkard you point out was using up. Get rid of the ex-boyfriend that used to drive you home drunk way too many times to count. There's no reason to give him the chance to get your best friend killed, now that he's dating her since he broke up with you.

What's always sprinkled around the lifeless body of what was once a drunkard are my form of calling card, animal crackers. Moth cocoons are a bitch to find. I love being an independent contractor for the department of motor vehicles. It's alomost the weekend again, I'll be checking on you along Water Street.